Dear Diary

So I know it’s the New Year and everyone is supposed to be hopeful and excited, but I’m going through a really strange, confusing, uncertain time, and though I don’t really treat my blog as a personal diary, there’s something about putting my most important thoughts down here that makes me feel less overwhelmed and alone, so here they are:

2014 was a huge year for me, with lots of success and growth, and equally as much loss and heartbreak. Simply put, It was one of the most defining and important years of my life so far.

I learned so much working for myself and watching my dreams grow, and I wouldn’t trade those experiences for anything. RAOP started as a crazy idea, a desire to add more colour and magic to the world around me, and it somehow grew into something I never could’ve imagined it would. Its taken me to California, to the front of a workshop full of incredibly talented women, to the offices of some of the most inspiring people I can imagine, and beyond. I’ve had the chance to learn, to collaborate and watch dreams I didn’t even know I was capable of dreaming come to life. It has truly been an enchanted experience.

That being said, I also have a lot of regrets surrounding 2014. Though things may have seemed sparkly, colourful, and exciting almost constantly on Instagram, I had quite a few dark days (more than I care to admit), and to be frank, I sort of lost myself.

It was only a few weeks ago now that I started to really realize how far from myself I had drifted- how detached and unsure I’d let myself become. I’m someone who without any hesitation will insist she knows exactly who she is and what she wants, yet here I was facing myself in the mirror unsure of how I’d arrived in that moment feeling nothing like the girl I actually am. I’m ashamed to admit I neglected and mistreated people I love dearly, and it hurts to say out loud that some of them are still lost to me to this day. My politics, moral code, self awareness… all of it had somehow slipped through my fingers, and I found myself wondering how I’d let so much of who I am dissolve, lost in a cloud of self-doubt and confusion.

With the big 2014 fading into the distance behind me, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Instead of biting my tongue to avoid conflict, I’m working up the confidence to get back to defending what I believe in at all costs. Tomorrow, I’m buying a new desk and spending my day putting together a fresh new work space that I hope will help me get back to the that warm glow of inspiration that used to follow me around like my own personal ball of sunshine. I’m also working on re-building the friendships that suffered during my absence, and fighting to re-establish my identity, to reconcile what it means to continue identifying as queer, but also explore dating straight cisgender men for the first time in over six years.

On top of all of these shifts (I call it my “life improvement list), I’m very sad to admit that I’ve decided to leave my job at Sloane Tea. Though I loved working somewhere so steeped in passion and beauty, I was offered the opportunity to join the social team at Deck, a local marketing agency that works with some of my favourite spots in the city, and I just couldn’t pass up the chance to see where that opportunity could lead. Don’t worry though, you’ll still be seeing lots of Sloane around here! I’ll never stop loving (and sipping) Hoda’s fantastic blends and supporting the incredible brand she’s built, and I feel very lucky that I was able to play a part in Sloane’s growth, even if it was only for a short time.

To sum it up, I’m dealing with a whole lot of change, and none of it is particularly easy. That said, nothing worth fighting for is ever easy, is it? I don’t know what 2015 holds, but I do know one thing: I think I’m finally on my way back .

photo by me via the Sloane Blog