Dear DiaryDress Up

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It’s been awhile since I bared all on the internet here (three years to be exact). A lot has changed in that time with both me and my body, and with so many changes to come it felt like the perfect moment to get a snapshot of where I’m at.

To be honest, this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt in my skin.

I’ve never really had any sort of self loathing issues when it comes to my body, but I can’t say I’ve always had the healthiest tactics when it comes to staying in shape. For years I built up habits of over indulging and then punishing myself, trying to stay so busy that I “forgot to eat”. I think as someone with OCD fuelled anxiety and depression, depriving myself of food when life got really rough was a way to gain control over something, and in that twisted way it momentarily made me feel better to feel hungry. When everything was spiralling out of control, food was the one thing I knew I could always get a handle on. It started as a teenage angst thing, but by the time I hit my 20s I was also using cigarettes to stay thin, coveting the moments when my bones poked out a little more than before. This wasn’t fit or healthy, this was skinny, the kind of skinny that eventually makes you sick. Again, it all came back to control – how much COULD I deprive myself? How different could I make my body look based sheerly on will power and sadness? It’s not something I’ve ever really spoken about here before, but today sharing it just felt right.

I’ve been steadily working on my mental health for, well, my entire life really, but this past Christmas was a major turning point for me. I made a lot of big life decisions, quit smoking cold turkey (6 months next week!!!) and made a commitment to start actually taking care of myself. No more days without food, no more replacing breakfast with tobacco, no more lazing around crying over TV shows instead of getting outside or heading to the gym.

For the first time in a long time, I didn’t just want to look better, I wanted to be better.

I can’t tell you how much my life has shifted over the past six months, and these photos are a celebration of that shift, a time stamp of this new season in my life. I’m loving eating well, drinking less, and moving my body more (see you guys at Soul Cycle for spin class soon?) and my mental state has never ever been better as a result. Scarlet O’Neill captured this moment so flawlessly, somehow balancing over me with her pregnant belly like a warrior AND making me feel sexy the entire time. Stole My Heart provided the most insanely gorgeous, intricate lingerie pieces to shoot, and Wild North hit the floral game out of the park. Everything came together in one enchanted afternoon celebrating health and happiness.

I no longer feel the need to control my body, and I can’t wait to see all the beautiful ways it changes in the years to come. After all, women’s bodies are magic.

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Photography by Scarlet O’Neill
Lingerie via Stole My Heart
Florals by Wild North
Tarot Deck by Labyrinthos